An English posting

What lies at the beginning? At the beginning of disaster there is anger.


There is the obvious extreme of physical violence and of men coming to see us referred by their lawyers. They've been charged with assault and come in to get their prescribed sessions for "anger management".

However, that's just an extreme. Disaster, your run-of-the-mill disaster in relationships begin with anger in us, our partner did something wrong and we have gotten angry.

There is a "way in" with anger, a way towards the relationship. It includes four steps: One, let the other person know, in a straightforward fashion, that you are angry. Two, do it without being critical of your partner. Third, express what your expectations were in terms of their behavior and how they were violated. Four, let your partner know what he/she could do to help, mend the situation at hand.

The "way out" includes the Talion, an eye for an eye. I am angry, I'll make you angry as well. I will criticize you, I will label you with adjectives that will offend you deep. I will be evasive, not clear at all about being angry, let alone tell you that I had had expectations for you. I will be vague, obscure about what happened. I will act in ways that will give you no clue as to how to orient your bahevior and mend the current state. I will withdraw my love, my attention. I will hurt you.

The other, in turn, has now the option of hurting back. Disaster has begun.

The other, at any rate, is put in the position of having to play the role of the "bigger person", take in the attack, hold in the anger, and speak from the hurt. I am hurt but I will not retaliate. How can we fix this one up? But this is a dangerous path because it can easily slide towards one person always being the "fixer", the "good" one, eventually leading to a huge build up in resentment, distancing, and not caring.

At the beginning of all disasters there is hurt. Anger is the easy way out. It only happens to fail in the long run.